The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: A Review

This movie already has a long title.  I could follow the usual format for movie review titles and call this post something like "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: A Review of Martin Freeman Running Around with Dwarves and Fighting Orcs with a Tiny Blue Sword."  Or something, but then you'd be scrolling for days just reading the damn title.

The movie is quite lengthy itself, so instead of the usual smart ass recap, we're going to try something different.  Here is the summary of my movie experience using... BULLET POINTS!


What I took away from The Hobbit: An Unexp... you know the title.

• Bilbo is better than Frodo.  In pretty much every way possible.  It only takes about 10 minutes to learn this.
• A dragon named Smaug destroys a city named Dale.  Yep, not Daletown, or Dalesburg.  Just Dale.  I guess not every town in Middle Earth can have a sweet name.
• Speaking of goofy names, Bilbo hangs out with too many dwarves with names like Balin, Dwalin, Fíli, Kíli, Dori...  Yeah, I had to look those names up.  I would almost prefer Snow White style names.  Or Santa reindeer names.
• Orcs, orcs, orcs, dammit enough with the orcs.
• Gollum can only speak using his overused cliche words and phrases.
• Oh, those were goblins?  I thought they were more damn orcs.
• Eagles!  Hell yeah

The Goblin King and his fellow Ballchinians.

 Final Thoughts:  Fight orcs here, fight orcs there, slightly amusing troll anecdote, more orcs goblins, now more orcs, the end.  I'll admit that I was a bit bored by the end and didn't really care if the journeying party all got killed or not.  Too much Lord of the Rings recycled leftovers.  However, the film had its moments.

Do they drink beer in this movie?

Umm, sure.  We'll say that they drink Dwarf Ale.

Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):

Jingle All the Way: A Review of Arnold Making Funny Faces

I've always enjoyed this one, yet I have a feeling that Jingle All the Way is not exactly considered a timeless holiday classic.  Still, I say "Best Christmas movie EVER!"  Even though I'm not really sure how to back up that claim.   

Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger (I never realized how much of a pain in the ass his name is to spell) is Howard Langston.  That name is easy to spell, so we will use it instead.  Howard is a pretty bad father.  He works too much, commits traffic infractions, and misses his son's karate class.  Not a good start for Howard.

Howard finds a way to redeem himself: buy his son a Turbo-Man action figure for Christmas.  As it turns out, this is not an easy task.  Turbo-Man is an extremely popular holiday toy, like a Tickling Elmo, or an Xbox One.  What follows is roughly 80 minutes of Arnold Schwarzenegger (cut-and-pasted his name) making goofy faces while trying to track down a Turbo-Man doll.  I mean action figure.




A small sampling of Arnold Faces!

Howard repeatedly crosses paths with an insane mailman played by Sinbad.  Yes, that Sinbad. The two of them square off in a race across the city to secure a Turbo-Man toy.  While on the hunt, Howard continues to add to his horrible father reputation.  He participates in a mall brawl, attacks a little girl in a ball pit, starts a fight with a shady gang of Jim Belushi led Santas, has a confrontation with the police involving a BOMB, breaks into his neighbor's house, attempts to steal his neighbor's Turbo-Man toy, and PUNCHES A REINDEER.  Good stuff.  In all fairness, his neighbor is an incredibly douchey single father played by Phil Hartman.  Phil was sure good at playing extremely unlikable characters.  Anyways, the ridiculous Arnold/Sinbad rivalry culminates in an extremely unsafe holiday parade stunt involving a jetpack.  A JETPACK!

Even Chris Parnell joins in the stupid face making fun.

Final Thoughts: Action figures, Santa fights, reindeer fights, bombs, and JET PACKS.  Everything required for an iconic holiday movie.  Plus, how can you not love a movie in which Arnold says the line "Put that cookie down!  NOW!"  Seriously, just imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger (cut-and-paste) saying that.  Awesome.

Do they drink beer in this movie?

Actually, yes.  Even the reindeer drinks beer.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):

Raiders of the Lost Sunset

Just walked outside to observe a pretty spectacular sunset, with a single beam of light shooting upwards.  It looks like the Nazis found the Ark of the Covenant.  Don't look at it Marion... 

Red Dawn: A Review of Chris Hemsworth Fighting North Korea with Teenagers

I swear, I don't have a "thing" for Chris Hemsworth.  Reviewing two of his movies within a week is purely coincidental, and I promise to wait MONTHS before reviewing any more (sorry The Avengers).

Now down to business.  The world sucks.  This is proven to us through an opening news footage montage.  It's a rather depressing mixtape of war, economic crisis, and rising threats.  Hopefully North Korea and Russia don't team up against America.

Enter Chris Hemsworth as Jed the Marine.  Seriously.  Jed.  I guess they had to use the same names as in the 1984 version.  Anyways, Jed is visiting his hometown of Spokane, Washington.  He wakes up on his dad's couch one morning to discover it is raining North Koreans.  Literally.  Damn, it looks like North Korea and Russia are teaming up against America.  Jed and his brother Matt manage to evade the Korean soldiers by driving through their neighbors' lawns, obliterating as many fences and shrubs as possible.  Luckily, they are able to pick up their friends on their way into the wilderness to start the resistance!

After of two minute combat training course from Jed, this group of teenagers is ready to take on the North Korean army.  They decide to call themselves Wolverines after their shitty high school football team mascot.  The next hour is full of explosions, gunfights, and sibling arguing.

 

 

Final Thoughts: After seeing the original Red Dawn, this remake was pretty much exactly what I was expecting.  Not exactly a masterpiece, but it was an entertaining, patriotic adventure.  AMERICA!

Do they drink beer in this movie?

Yes.  Rolling Rock; official beer of the resistance.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):

Skyfall: A Review of Daniel Craig Getting His Ass Kicked All Over the World

Bond.  Daniel Craig's James Bond.  My renewed interest in the indestructible super agent/ladies man began with Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.  Then it died off after watching Quantum of Solace.  I was about to give up on 007 once again.  No pressure, Skyfall.

The film begins with Bond chasing a bad guy throughout Istanbul.  If you hate movies that take their time getting to cliché chase scenes, then Skyfall is for you.  This chase has it all; cars racing through busy streets, extensive damage to marketplaces and their fresh produce, transition to a motorcycle chase, motorcycles driving where they're not supposed to, motorcycles skidding out, a motorcycle smashing through a window, and of course, transition to men fighting on top of a moving train.

Exhausting.  Anyways, Bond gets shot off of the racing train by his partner (oops).  He falls a long ways from a railroad bridge into some water, then gets carried over a waterfall, then sinks into the depths and gets sucked into the required trippy James Bond introduction title sequence.  Obviously, he is dead. 

After what seems like an hour of Adele singing the theme song, James Bond is alive and banging girls on a beach somewhere.  We are not bored with the details of how he survived his ordeal.  While he was busy enjoying being dead, some bad man blows up MI6 headquarters and reveals the identities of secret agents on Facebook.  Time for Bond to get back to work.

After more traveling/getting beat up, Bond meets the bad guy.  His name is Raoul Silva and we are immediately made aware of the fact that he is creepy as shit.  He enjoys rat analogies, "bad touching" Bond, and sadistic shooting games endangering innocent women/Scotch.  And he is obsessed with killing M. 

Creeeeeeepy

The final showdown happens at Bond's old family house in Scotland.  Silva and his team are on their way to kill Bond, M, and an old man.  You know what that means... it's time to start a montage scene of gathering weapons and booby trapping the house!

Home defense montage!

     
Final Thoughts: Skyfall saved James Bond for me.  For now at least.  It was fun watching Daniel Craig get his ass kicked for a couple of hours and face off with a quality villain.  Good stuff.

Map of James Bond's 2012 'Ass Kicked In' European/Asian Tour.  Indiana Jones style.

Do they drink beer in this movie?

 

  
Not quite.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):

 

Thor: A Review of Chris Hemsworth Playing with Hammers

Let's start with the movie Thor.  Not because it's the best movie of all time, but simply because I just saw its sequel (and preferred it, although we'll save that for another time).

Plot: Thor is a god-like being from the realm of Asgard.  It's a really nice neighborhood run by his dad.  Thor basically kicks too much Frost Giant (pretty much what it sounds like) ass with his hammer and red cape, so his father turns him into Chris Hemsworth and banishes him to Earth.  While Thor's busy getting hit by cars in New Mexico, his dick of a brother (adopted) Loki creates family drama and takes over Asgard. 

Meanwhile, nothing exciting really happens as Thor Hemsworth sucks at being a human and Natalie Portman does science stuff.  Finally, Loki sends a giant robot with a lantern for a head after Thor.  By this time, I really don't care if this angry tin man destroys a tiny city in the desert or not.  Then it's time for some sibling rivalry.

One of these guys attacks Thor.  The other attacks the X-Men in a cartoon.  I forget which one is which.

 

Final Thoughts: Thor is a decently average superhero film.  It's mostly fun to watch (at least for the half of the movie when they're fighting in Asgard), and Natalie Portman is nice to look at.


Do they drink beer in this movie?

Of course.  Scientists and sons of Odin love beer.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):