Jingle All the Way: A Review of Arnold Making Funny Faces

I've always enjoyed this one, yet I have a feeling that Jingle All the Way is not exactly considered a timeless holiday classic.  Still, I say "Best Christmas movie EVER!"  Even though I'm not really sure how to back up that claim.   

Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger (I never realized how much of a pain in the ass his name is to spell) is Howard Langston.  That name is easy to spell, so we will use it instead.  Howard is a pretty bad father.  He works too much, commits traffic infractions, and misses his son's karate class.  Not a good start for Howard.

Howard finds a way to redeem himself: buy his son a Turbo-Man action figure for Christmas.  As it turns out, this is not an easy task.  Turbo-Man is an extremely popular holiday toy, like a Tickling Elmo, or an Xbox One.  What follows is roughly 80 minutes of Arnold Schwarzenegger (cut-and-pasted his name) making goofy faces while trying to track down a Turbo-Man doll.  I mean action figure.




A small sampling of Arnold Faces!

Howard repeatedly crosses paths with an insane mailman played by Sinbad.  Yes, that Sinbad. The two of them square off in a race across the city to secure a Turbo-Man toy.  While on the hunt, Howard continues to add to his horrible father reputation.  He participates in a mall brawl, attacks a little girl in a ball pit, starts a fight with a shady gang of Jim Belushi led Santas, has a confrontation with the police involving a BOMB, breaks into his neighbor's house, attempts to steal his neighbor's Turbo-Man toy, and PUNCHES A REINDEER.  Good stuff.  In all fairness, his neighbor is an incredibly douchey single father played by Phil Hartman.  Phil was sure good at playing extremely unlikable characters.  Anyways, the ridiculous Arnold/Sinbad rivalry culminates in an extremely unsafe holiday parade stunt involving a jetpack.  A JETPACK!

Even Chris Parnell joins in the stupid face making fun.

Final Thoughts: Action figures, Santa fights, reindeer fights, bombs, and JET PACKS.  Everything required for an iconic holiday movie.  Plus, how can you not love a movie in which Arnold says the line "Put that cookie down!  NOW!"  Seriously, just imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger (cut-and-paste) saying that.  Awesome.

Do they drink beer in this movie?

Actually, yes.  Even the reindeer drinks beer.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):