Red Dawn: A Review of Chris Hemsworth Fighting North Korea with Teenagers

I swear, I don't have a "thing" for Chris Hemsworth.  Reviewing two of his movies within a week is purely coincidental, and I promise to wait MONTHS before reviewing any more (sorry The Avengers).

Now down to business.  The world sucks.  This is proven to us through an opening news footage montage.  It's a rather depressing mixtape of war, economic crisis, and rising threats.  Hopefully North Korea and Russia don't team up against America.

Enter Chris Hemsworth as Jed the Marine.  Seriously.  Jed.  I guess they had to use the same names as in the 1984 version.  Anyways, Jed is visiting his hometown of Spokane, Washington.  He wakes up on his dad's couch one morning to discover it is raining North Koreans.  Literally.  Damn, it looks like North Korea and Russia are teaming up against America.  Jed and his brother Matt manage to evade the Korean soldiers by driving through their neighbors' lawns, obliterating as many fences and shrubs as possible.  Luckily, they are able to pick up their friends on their way into the wilderness to start the resistance!

After of two minute combat training course from Jed, this group of teenagers is ready to take on the North Korean army.  They decide to call themselves Wolverines after their shitty high school football team mascot.  The next hour is full of explosions, gunfights, and sibling arguing.

 

 

Final Thoughts: After seeing the original Red Dawn, this remake was pretty much exactly what I was expecting.  Not exactly a masterpiece, but it was an entertaining, patriotic adventure.  AMERICA!

Do they drink beer in this movie?

Yes.  Rolling Rock; official beer of the resistance.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):

Skyfall: A Review of Daniel Craig Getting His Ass Kicked All Over the World

Bond.  Daniel Craig's James Bond.  My renewed interest in the indestructible super agent/ladies man began with Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.  Then it died off after watching Quantum of Solace.  I was about to give up on 007 once again.  No pressure, Skyfall.

The film begins with Bond chasing a bad guy throughout Istanbul.  If you hate movies that take their time getting to cliché chase scenes, then Skyfall is for you.  This chase has it all; cars racing through busy streets, extensive damage to marketplaces and their fresh produce, transition to a motorcycle chase, motorcycles driving where they're not supposed to, motorcycles skidding out, a motorcycle smashing through a window, and of course, transition to men fighting on top of a moving train.

Exhausting.  Anyways, Bond gets shot off of the racing train by his partner (oops).  He falls a long ways from a railroad bridge into some water, then gets carried over a waterfall, then sinks into the depths and gets sucked into the required trippy James Bond introduction title sequence.  Obviously, he is dead. 

After what seems like an hour of Adele singing the theme song, James Bond is alive and banging girls on a beach somewhere.  We are not bored with the details of how he survived his ordeal.  While he was busy enjoying being dead, some bad man blows up MI6 headquarters and reveals the identities of secret agents on Facebook.  Time for Bond to get back to work.

After more traveling/getting beat up, Bond meets the bad guy.  His name is Raoul Silva and we are immediately made aware of the fact that he is creepy as shit.  He enjoys rat analogies, "bad touching" Bond, and sadistic shooting games endangering innocent women/Scotch.  And he is obsessed with killing M. 

Creeeeeeepy

The final showdown happens at Bond's old family house in Scotland.  Silva and his team are on their way to kill Bond, M, and an old man.  You know what that means... it's time to start a montage scene of gathering weapons and booby trapping the house!

Home defense montage!

     
Final Thoughts: Skyfall saved James Bond for me.  For now at least.  It was fun watching Daniel Craig get his ass kicked for a couple of hours and face off with a quality villain.  Good stuff.

Map of James Bond's 2012 'Ass Kicked In' European/Asian Tour.  Indiana Jones style.

Do they drink beer in this movie?

 

  
Not quite.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):

 

Thor: A Review of Chris Hemsworth Playing with Hammers

Let's start with the movie Thor.  Not because it's the best movie of all time, but simply because I just saw its sequel (and preferred it, although we'll save that for another time).

Plot: Thor is a god-like being from the realm of Asgard.  It's a really nice neighborhood run by his dad.  Thor basically kicks too much Frost Giant (pretty much what it sounds like) ass with his hammer and red cape, so his father turns him into Chris Hemsworth and banishes him to Earth.  While Thor's busy getting hit by cars in New Mexico, his dick of a brother (adopted) Loki creates family drama and takes over Asgard. 

Meanwhile, nothing exciting really happens as Thor Hemsworth sucks at being a human and Natalie Portman does science stuff.  Finally, Loki sends a giant robot with a lantern for a head after Thor.  By this time, I really don't care if this angry tin man destroys a tiny city in the desert or not.  Then it's time for some sibling rivalry.

One of these guys attacks Thor.  The other attacks the X-Men in a cartoon.  I forget which one is which.

 

Final Thoughts: Thor is a decently average superhero film.  It's mostly fun to watch (at least for the half of the movie when they're fighting in Asgard), and Natalie Portman is nice to look at.


Do they drink beer in this movie?

Of course.  Scientists and sons of Odin love beer.


Final Beer Score (Out of five beers):